If you were walking down the street and someone started yelling at you and calling you an idiot, would you believe them? Of course not. We generally find it easy to externalize that interaction and laugh it off as some crazy guy on the street.
It is much harder to shake when those ideas are in your own head. All the doubts and fears that swirl around and show up at the worst possible times. Imposter syndrome at work is that same voice wearing a suit, and if you are not aware of the fight you are in, you are probably losing it.
Negative thoughts are insidious and hard to deter. We try generic platitudes, but if you are not specific with your counter-punches then you are in for a long fight.
The mental fight you are already in
We have all lost this one at some point, falling into that downward spiral of negative self-talk. It leaves you low energy and makes it difficult to take any action to make things better.
I use the mental fight analogy because sometimes it really can feel like you got punched in the face. Just like trying to script a moment in a fight, you have to understand what kind of punches are coming your way and what kind of counters you want to throw. When you build the muscle memory with those counters, all of a sudden the fight gets easier.
My first business blew up over the course of about six days. Disagreements on how to move forward, a falling out between partners, then sprinkle in some lies and secrecy. It was an abrupt end to an exciting chapter.
As I tried to shift into that next venture, the mental fight was one I was not ready for. It is hard to start over. The punch I got hit with over and over was "why even bother?" It felt like there was no point even trying, because things would just fail again.
Why even try if you are convinced you are going to fail?
What imposter syndrome at work actually sounds like
The punches are rarely dramatic. They are short, specific sentences that sound perfectly reasonable in the moment.
I had a client I coached a few years back who was a very high performer, but he was a perfectionist. He would plan out the perfect schedule to optimize his effectiveness the next day, and most of the time it worked great. He stayed on schedule, got everything done, and felt great about himself.
At least once or twice a week, though, he would get absolutely nothing done. How is that possible? One thing would go wrong with his schedule and it set off a mental fight he was not ready for. This takes two hours, I only have one hour, I will just do it tomorrow. If I am not going to do X then I might as well not do Y. Those were the punches that sent him spiralling.
A member of our Steel Men Tribe was deep in the interview process for a new job. It was a great opportunity and naturally he was very excited. But he had this imposter syndrome that kept punching him in the face. I can't do this. I'm not good enough. I'm a fraud.
Those kinds of punches really make it difficult to bring your best to a job interview.
Here are some of the common punches I have seen with my clients:
- Why even bother?
- You're not good enough.
- You don't have enough time.
- You're focused on the wrong thing.
- You're going to fail.
- You're a fraud.
Why generic advice loses this fight
The mistake people make is that they see each of these stories and too often think generic advice is good enough. You're nervous? Don't be, you'll be fine. Why even bother trying? Just be positive.
These are well intentioned responses, but they do very little to actually help people. Generic advice works for generic problems. It is not wrong, it is just hard to apply.
To really fix a problem you have to understand the problem specifically, and then determine the right kind of solution for that specific problem.
I have been asked a few times why I like this fight analogy. The main reason is that the imagery is so active. Who wants to sit there and let themselves get punched in the face? It takes the abstract idea of fear and doubt against self-actualization and breaks it down into something we can all understand, a good old fashioned fist fight.
I have seen over the years that this framework helps people because, frankly, it is easier to imagine a fight and counter-punches than it is to untangle that abstract mess of negative self talk.
How to script your counter-punches
Just like a real fight, or any other physical action, the more practice you get the better you perform. At the end of the day it is all about building the muscle memory to make these decisions in real time, and to make the right choice.
In rugby I talk about this all the time for decision making. We do not know exactly what the opposition is going to do, but we can script a handful of responses for specific threats or opportunities. We cannot control the opposition, but we control our response, and as you get better you script more and more responses for the different things the opposition may do. Building the habit is hardest at the start, and the more reps you get the better your response will be.
So how do you script this process for yourself?
- Identify the pain point. What area of your life do you think you are losing this fight in? Think about when you struggle to feel motivated, when those negative spirals start.
- Identify the specific punches. Once you have the general area you want to attack, zoom in. This is where you take it from that vague idea of negative self talk and break it down into the specific thoughts that send you spiralling. It takes time to identify them, because we are usually too distracted by the pain they cause.
- Ask "is it true?" After a client clearly identifies the punch, that is my next question, and it is a simple one. The answer is always no. We know these things are not true, but we let those thoughts persist anyway. It is crucial to recognize the truth, because we need the reminder.
- Script the specific counter-punches. If the bad guy throws punch A, then you throw counter-punch X.
- Practice. Build that muscle memory through verbal practice with a friend or a coach, or a mirror. Get used to identifying the punch before you throw it at yourself, and once you identify it, throw your counter.
- Take it live. There is no point being perfectly centered and stoic only in private. You have to be ready for the mental fight whenever it arises.
If you want an outside read on where you are weakest before you start, the 7 C's of Leadership assessment is a fast way to find the pain point you have been avoiding.
The five types of counter-punches
1. Evidence-based. The first and most effective type. Remind yourself that you have been through worse before, that you have figured it out in crazier situations, that you have felt scared before and things were OK. Think of specific pieces of evidence. The more specific we are the better, because it is like making your punches more accurate.
2. The reframe. Often our negative self talk feels so real because we are lost in the weeds, and all we need to do is zoom out. Are things really that bad? Am I behind schedule, or is this how things usually go? We tend to beat ourselves up and hold high expectations for our work. It is important to recognize that growth takes time too.
3. Mission-based. These are the punches that remind you of the importance of your work. Why even bother? Because I can help people.
4. Action-based. These are effective because action and movement help get us out of our head. You start to build momentum, which is huge in a fight. If that is the counter you need, how to get unstuck goes deeper on building momentum when motivation is nowhere to be found.
5. Generic. The last type is also the least effective, the generic advice I disparaged earlier. It does still have its place, because we do not want to be limited to defending only against punches we pre-identified. This type of counter can help mitigate the damage of an unexpected punch while you come up with a more specific one.
What worked in each of those three stories
In the case of my own story, I found mission-based counters to be the most effective. Why bother? Because if I am right then it can help a lot of people, so I am going to try.
For my perfectionist client the right counters were action-based. Get out of planning mode and just get to work.
The Steel Men Tribe member used evidence-based counters. He was extremely accomplished and well qualified, he just needed to remind himself of that, and specific memories are the most powerful.
In each of these cases all it took was following the scripting process. Most importantly, we each started throwing punches back.
Start throwing punches back
This is a fight we get into every day, and if we want to be successful then we have to train for it. Whether it is some random guy on the street or your own self-talk, do not let anybody punch you in the face without giving them something back.
If you want to learn more about specific counter-punches you can use, watch my video on the mental fight, where I cover all the punches above plus a few extras. If you want help scripting your own counters, that is exactly the work we do in 1:1 coaching and inside the Steel Men Tribe.
Do this work with other men doing it too
The Steel Men Tribe is a brotherhood of men who hold each other to the standard they set for themselves.
See the Steel Men TribeFrequently asked questions
What is imposter syndrome at work?
It is the specific self doubt that tells you that you do not belong in the role you are in. It shows up as short, believable thoughts like "I can't do this," "I'm not good enough," and "I'm a fraud," usually right before something that matters, like an interview or a big presentation.
How do you stop negative self talk?
Stop treating it as one vague feeling. Identify the specific thought that sends you spiralling, ask whether it is true, then script a specific counter to that specific thought and practice it until it is muscle memory.
Why doesn't positive thinking fix self doubt?
Generic advice works for generic problems. "Just be positive" is not wrong, it is just hard to apply in the moment. A counter only lands when it answers the exact punch you got hit with.
What are the five types of counter-punches?
Evidence-based, reframe, mission-based, action-based, and generic. Evidence-based counters are the most effective, and generic ones are the least effective but still useful against a punch you did not see coming.